No reproaches touched her lips, And mine touched a ready smile; When we both agreed that Our relationship had gone the mile. “Life goes on”, “Change is the only constant…” And such other trite banalities Weren’t needed. Neither of us had ever Had any use for formalities. I touched her hand, she clasped […]
The tears don’t flow, And the morning arrives on time, With its urgent summons. The moments dance, To the even ticks of the clock. You smile at work, You laugh at jokes You pretend to look learned, As the slides of the CME flash. You curse the idiots on the road, You have tea, and […]
As Newton’s Third Law flows “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” What exactly happens in our lifestyle as well. Every day completion creates an equal or opposite completions and that gives birth to the puzzle level of distractions and those distractions create a fence to our productive character. Let’s Simplify it… […]
A cold and rainy breeze hitted Manaswi’s face as she took the first sip of her morning coffee by the window of her bedroom. Her calm face expressed her love for coffee, and how much she enjoyed having Matinal over the Classic one. Her morning routine was hectic but these few minutes spent with a cup of coffee were like meditation to her when she can introspect well.
“Tintin beta, come home early today. A few guests are visiting us in the evening. You have to be here for them.”, said Mrs. Mishra, knocking Manaswi’s door. Manaswi was Manaswi to the world, but her parents nicknamed her Tintin, after a cartoon character she used to adore in her childhood. Manaswi liked her nickname, until she came of age when she realised how silly it was.
Manaswi rolled over her eyes and expressed her resentment with a deep exhale. “I know what guests you are talking about.”, she muttered to herself, but shouted in the next moment. “YES, MA! Please stop calling me Tintin. I am not a kid anymore.” She unlocked the door, picked her empty cup and left it in the kitchen sink. Before her mother could say anything, she grabbed her bag and lunchbox and moved out of the house with a swift. Staying for another minute would have meant a lengthy discussion-turned-argument on a topic she never enjoyed.
Workplace was Manaswi’s safe haven. She had a place to go to, and work to keep her mind off from dreadful conversations like the one she had in the morning. By the evening, Manaswi forgot about her mother’s words, and planned to update her playlist before going to bed. It was a lot of work today at the office. Before she stepped inside the bus to her home, she checked her phone. “15 Missed Calls – Mom”, it read. “What happened, Ma?”, she muttered to herself, still unable to figure out the reason.
Tired, Manaswi decided to take a short nap, forgetting all about the 15 times her mom ringed. That is how Manaswi was. Sometimes angry as storm, and sometimes calmer than a monk. She had these abilities, to forget about the things that were irrelevant to her, like that morning conversation with her mother, and to be able to sleep in a moving vehicle. The good part of this whole commute was that the bus top was quite near to her home, saving her a lot of time for herself.
The driver pulled the brakes rather abruptly and the tires of the bus made a screeching sound, making Manaswi wake up with a jolt. “Madam ji, your stop is here.”, said the bus conductor. Manaswi swiftly stood up from the seat, despite being sleepy. Taking a sip from the bottle, she walked towards her home. Her phone beeped. She took it out and was taken a bit aback. “30 miss calls, 7 messages from MOM.”, the phone flashed.
She fastened her pace. As much as she hoped for everything being okay at home and her mother just being herself by making a fuss out of nothing, she prepared herself for being thrashed ruthlessly for being so ignorant. She scolded herself a bit for being so engrossed in her own world. Manaswi’s self-bashing stopped as she entered the gates of her home. The doors were open and she could see her mother talking to someone. “There’s a guest, i think. Thank God, Mom will go easy on me.”
Before she could guess who this guest was, she stepped inside the door. Another jolt hit her, like the driver has pulled the brakes again. Her expression changed. She didn’t seem angry but a part of her felt uneasy. Her face clearly said how unwelcoming she felt of this guest. “Where were you, beta? I was trying to reach you. I got worried.”, her mom said, taking away her bag.
“Sorry Ma, this won’t happen again.”, she said. “But what is he doing here?”
“Manaswi, this is not a right way to talk to your guest. Behave.”, her mother said. She knew why her daughter was seething this way. And this was nothing as compared to her real burstout. She wasn’t rude by nature, but found it difficult to hide her anger.
Before the mother-daughter duo could exchange anymore words, Shashwat stood up. He was Manaswi would-be fiance. Manaswi’s parents chose him for her. Not that the two didn’t like each other but Shashwat was pretty focused about each step he took in life and he wasn’t sure about marriage when Manaswi came into his life. However, before he could tell Manaswi about his thoughts, she had fallen for him. She felt cheated when he clearly told her what he had on his mind. But her sanity told her that he wasn’t at fault, neither was she. Life was.
“Calm down, Manu.”, Shashwat said. Manaswi was trembling with anger by now. His words sent her back in time. The same words Shashwat said to her that night.
“Calm down, Manu. I am…”, said Shashwat, but before he could complete his sentence, heartbroken Manaswi interrupted him. “It was my parents who introduced me to you. Tell them what you just said to me. I won’t explain them your choice, for I don’t understand this sudden enlightenment you just had. If you had other priorities, you shouldn’t have met me in the first place. Tell the world whatever you feel like telling them, I promise I will not be a part of your world from now on, until you decide to make me so.”
“Manu, please.”, Shashwat pleaded. “Manaswi. My name is Manaswi.”, she said hurting, before storming off.
“Are you listening to me, Manu?”, Shashwat asked, bringing Manaswi back to the present.
“Manaswi. My name is Manaswi.”, she replied in anger.
“I am sorry, if I hurted you. You were right that day. You are right today as well. I might be wrong then, but I know I am right today. Marry me, Manaswi. I can’t imagine being without you. I acted hastily. I accept breaking your heart. But I love you. Please.”
“It’s easy for you to walk away, trampling over my feelings like they are rotten leaves fallen on the ground. Why should I be with you? Why should I believe you won’t do again what you did that night?”
“Believe me please. I realise what I did. I love you and that is more than anything I do. Whatever step I take towards life, it will be with you. Please. ”
Manaswi broke down. She never stopped loving Shashwat. A part of her waited for him all this while and the other hated him for what he did. Deep down she knew she was in love with him. But when a broken heart bleeds, mind starts to rule over it. Manaswi cried inconsolably, not realising she was in Shashwat’s arms by now. Words refused to come out but Shashwat knew what she didn’t say.
Manaswi’s mother knew how her daughter was. Hard on the outside, but soft and vulnerable within. She wiped her tears away as she saw her daughter breaking all the walls away, one tear at a time.
For Maithili, it was a different day at the office. Looking at the most important task of the day in her ‘to-do’ list, she felt a pang of both nervousness and excitement in her. She had worked hard for her presentation that she was to give that day in the meeting. It was a good opportunity for her to get promoted, as well as get noticed by the officials from the headquarters, who were going to be present in the meeting.
As she entered the conference room with her boss and few other associates, her heart started to beat faster. But this much nervousness was normal for her. Her boss introduced her to the senior officials who were present in the room that day. She was greeting everyone in the room with smile until one name made her uncomfortable.
“Maithili, that is Aviral Das, the co-executive of our organisation. He’ll be the one to judge your presentation today.”, boss whispered.
The name was familiar. And so was the face. But Maithili had her doubts. She chose not to meet him personally as it would create a wrong impression on him, if he doesn’t turns out to be the one she thought he was.
The presentation was perfect. She got her share of appreciation in the after meeting party. She had forgotten about Aviral, until she found herself standing in front of him.
“That was one helluva presentation, Mili.”, said Aviral.
It had been a long time since someone called Maithili that.
” Hi, Aviral.”
That face took Maithili into the past, she had long forgotten. Back in college, the duo was inseparable. They knew each other since school days, but became best of friends in college. Life drifted Maithili from everyone she knew, including her best friend, Aviral.
“So, wanna hang out sometime?”, Aviral asked, bringing Maithili back from her thoughts.
” Yeah. Whenever you say.”, said Maithili.
There wasn’t much for her to say, though she wanted to. The life she wanted to go back to stood in front of her having Aviral’s face. That was not possible, she knew. However, the idea of catching up with an old friend didn’t seem bad to her.
Aviral recognised Maithili as soon she entered in the room. But he wasn’t sure if Maithili, or her Mili, would want to meet him, or anyone from college. Mili had snapped ties from everyone after college. Rumours had it that it was due to Sushant, her then-boyfriend turned into husband, that she was made to cut everyone loose from her life. And that was the last thing Aviral knew about his best friend. It had been 5 years since then, and he did everything to contact Maithili in the mean time, but failed.
Aviral had feelings for Maithili, which he decided to confess before the end of their college, but with Sushant in the picture, Aviral decided to keep his feelings a secret. Her withdrawal broke his heart, but he still wished her well, and hoped for their paths to cross someday. That day was today.
It was 8 at night and Aviral was standing at Maithili’s door, with a bouquet in one hand & a box of chocolate in other. He had already made his mind to meet everyone in Maithili’s family. Maithili invited him for dinner, as meeting somewhere outside would’ve led people gossip at work. Also, it was Aviral, or “A-viral” as she called him in college, with whom she wanted to talk just as she used to back then.
Aviral didn’t had to wait much. Maithili opened the door. Dressed simply in peach coloured salwar-kurti, she looked dazzling to Aviral.
“Hey. You look lovely. These are for you.”, he said, handing Maithili the bouquet & chocolates.
“Thankyou.”, Maithili smiled. “It feels nice to have you here. Come. Sit.”
“I can smell the dinner, Madam.”
“And I heard your stomach growling even before you entered. Don’t worry, the dinner is ready. Let’s have it first.”
“Hahaha. Yay! Food.”
Aviral watched Maithili as she served him the food. Since he expected other family members to be around, he was surprised not finding anyone else at the dinner table. For some strange reason, he felt not asking anything to Maithili unless she tells herself. Maybe because it was her turn to tell things. The turn that was due since last 5 years. Maithili knew she had a lot of explaining to do, and of all the people, Aviral deserved it the most. But she didn’t want to spoil their dinner. There was an awkward silence between the two. Except for passing on food, & exchanging quick glances, the duo didn’t talk while having food.
“God! I am full. One of the best dinner I’ve had in recent times. Thankyou for inviting me, Mili.”, Aviral said after he was done.
Maithili smiled. “That’s fine.” She cleaned the table & went into the kitchen to do the dishes.
“Need help with anything?”, Aviral asked.
“No. Just wait. I’ll be with you in a while.”
Aviral looked around in the meantime. There were photos of Maithili with her parents, whom he recognised, & a kid, whom he didn’t recognise but guessed him to be her son. She looked happy in all those pictures. What he couldn’t help but notice was absence of Sushant’s picture in the house. Even in other frames, he was nowhere to be seen.
Maithili came from the kitchen with two beer bottles in her hand. She wanted to live like her old days, no matter how short. Or she just wanted to live for a while.
“Join me once you are done investigating.”, she joked, opening the caps of the chilled bottles.
“I am done.”, Aviral replied as he came towards the table. They both sat in front of each other.
“So how are you, Viral?”
“I am fine. Spreading the virus of my charm everywhere. You say? How are you? How have you been all these years?”
”I am fine.”
“Are you seeing someone? Or got settled?”
“I am a happy bachelor, you see.”
“What about that girl from college you were into? There was a gossip. I wanted to confirm, but I guess I left too early.”
Aviral smirked at her question. She was asking about herself. “Yeah. I am still into her. But there was already someone else. So… Anyway. Tell me about you.”
He found it hard to wait further. He knew Maithili had a lot to say. He held her hand.
“You know what I am asking, Mili. You know what you need to tell.”
Maithili took another sip of the beer. Her eyes welled up.
“I don’t know where to start. You’ll have to ask me.”, she said.
“Okay. Why did you leave us all?”
“It was a stupid mistake. I was blind in love. Everything I did was to make Sushant happy. He didn’t like me gelling-up with other people, especially you. I thought it was love but it was not. It took me a lot of time to realise how alone I had become.”
“And you didn’t even try to get back to us, not even once?”
“Initially I didn’t. I felt guilty for cutting everyone loose and didn’t had the courage to face you all. But once I started to feel scared, I tried to reach for help. Just that it didn’t work out. I am sorry.”
Maithili started to cry. Aviral pacified her.
“Scared? Of what? Mili, tell me everything.”, he asked.
“Scared of Sushant. Everything was fine between us initially, until I caught him cheating on me. I confronted him but he refused to say anything. He came home drunk one night. I was shocked & angry, but he was too drunk to notice. When I expressed my displeasure the next morning, he slapped me. That was the first time I realised that I have made a wrong choice. I should have left him that day itself, but he apologised & I melted. The next day was worse. I don’t remember how many times he slapped me before I fainted. But by the time I regained my senses, I found myself tied to the bed, naked. He had raped me. I felt the pain. I saw him drinking. I tried to get up, but he didn’t let me. He raped me again.”
Aviral froze. Maithili was in his arms, crying like a child, still narrating her side of story.
“It was like he wasn’t the man I married. He was someone else, who forced himself upon me. I was unable to walk the next morning, but when I did, I made sure it was out of his life. I came back to my parents & soon filed for a divorce. By the time it got finalised, I was pregnant. I took up this job after Ishan was born. He is the reason I live for.” Maithili was looking at Ishan’s photo on the wall.
Aviral was in tears. He couldn’t take his eyes off Maithili. It was hard for him to imagine what she went through. Maithili calmed herself. A burden was lifted off her chest, and she felt free. Wiping away her tears, she tried to change the topic of their conversation. “So why didn’t you marry, Aviral? And who is that girl?”
Aviral couldn’t think of any lie. Or maybe he didn’t want to. He decided to tell Maithili everything, no matter the outcome. Afterall what she has suffered until now, she has the right to decide what is best for her and her son. If after hearing him, she decides to cut him loose again, then so be it. “That girl was you, Maithili. I was in love with you since our first year in college, and I had made up mind to tell you so on the day of our farewell party. but you were already with Sushant, so I decided not to tell you anything. I wish I had, but that doesn’t matter anymore. You were happy with him. I am shocked after hearing what you just told me. I tried to find someone like you but couldn’t, or maybe I didn’t try enough. I still love you, Mili. I don’t know why I am telling you this, but some truths aren’t meant to be hidden. I don’t know how you’ll react to this, but I still want to spend my life with you, as much as I wanted it since I started to love you.”
Maithili stared at him wide-eyed. Aviral decided not to face her anymore. He stood up & left. Maithili was unable to believe what she just heard. By the time, she realised that it was all real, Aviral had left. She tried to call him but he didn’t pick. She was unable to sleep the whole night. She expected him at the office, but her boss told her that all the seniors were leaving the same morning. Maithili knew what she had to do.
Aviral was ready to catch his flight. As soon as he picked up his luggage after the announcements were made for his flight, he heard his name in familiar voice.
“Don’t leave me, Aviral.”, said Maithili from behind.
The waves washed Darshika’s feet as she stood on the beach watching the sunset. Though the sight gave her immense pleasure, yet she missed the evenings that were spent at home. A drop of tear trickled down her cheeks & fell in the waves that came ashore. Life was just the same to her now. All the silent complaints she made didn’t reach to God & got lost in the midway, just like her tears were lost in the sea. But pain made her try again & again.
“Darshika Madam, it’s time.”, the nurse said from behind, bringing Darshika back from her thoughts to reality.
“Yeah, I’ll be there in a while.”, she said.
Picking up her guitar, she followed the nurse silently to a house nearby. The nurse left as they reached the main gates of the house. Darshika rang the doorbell. “Mr. & Mrs. Amit Joshi”, the nameplate above the switch read. A man came to the gates.
“Yes? Who are you?”, he asked.
“I am Darshika. I was called to play some music for someone named Amit Joshi.”
“Oh yes, yes. Please come inside.” Said the man unlocking the gates. “I am Amit Joshi. Thankyou for coming.”
“Yeah. Thanks.”, said Darshika in a low voice.
Amit, on the other hand was loud & happy. He took out chairs in the verandah for both of them & asked Darshika to wait there comfortably while he brings her water and something to eat. “That isn’t needed. I am fine, really.”, Darshika insisted. But Amit didn’t listen.
She saw him rushing towards the kitchen. Putting her guitar aside, Darshika leaned back on the chair. She felt exhausted, even without doing any work. She blamed her emotions for draining her this way. Tired, she closed her eyes. Amit saw her from the kitchen. “She seems sad. Yet she looks so beautiful. I have never seen anyone like her before.”, he thought to himself. But he immediately felt guilty for thinking about her this way. “Behave yourself, Amit. Just behave.”, he scolded himself.
“You seem tired. Here, have water.”, Amit said to Darshika, while adjusting his chair. “No. I am not tired. But yeah, I was feeling thirsty anyway. thanks.”, Darshika said, as she opened her eyes. She gulped down the glass in one breath. Amit sensed her uneasiness. “We can do this tomorrow, if you are not well today.”, he said. But Darshika was already strumming her guitar by then. John Mayer was her favourite. She sang all his songs, playing guitar along with it, with utter perfection. Amit enjoyed her singing, and was amazed at how well she played. “She looks more beautiful while singing.”, he thought to himself. As soon she finished, Amit clapped for her. “You’re phenomenal. You have a beautiful voice. I haven’t heard anyone sing this way before.”, he gushed, keeping a check on his thoughts. He started to like her, but didn’t want to make her uncomfortable by telling her so.
Darshika smiled a bit. “Thankyou. I am glad you liked it.”, she said, putting her guitar aside. As she reached for another glass of water, Amit tried to strike a conversation with her. “What do you do for living, Darshika?”, he asked.
“Oh, I am a music teacher. I run my own music school.”, she replied humbly.
“That’s great. You must be having a lot of students then?”
“Quite a lot. Yes.”
Darshika planned to leave as early as she could, but enjoyed talking to Amit. By the time the clock struck 8, they both knew about each other’s hobbies, jobs, favourite music & movies, food, families, and everything under the sky. Darshika loved Amit’s sense of humour, and the gentleman he was and Amit loved to make her laugh. The way she flipped her hair behind her ear while laughing made him ask her out on a date.
“So can I take you out for a coffee?”, he asked.
“Well. I don’t mind a cup.”, she smiled.
Amit couldn’t take his eyes off her this time. Darshika blushed. Amit wanted to seal the moment with kiss, but checked his thoughts. It was time for Darshika to leave. They both decided the time for meeting the next day, and took each other’s number. “Call me after reaching home.”, he said while seeing Darshika off at the gates. Darshika left with a nod and a smile.
Amit started missing her as soon he went inside but the wait was inevitable. The thought of meeting her the next day brought smile to his face. he was having his dinner when the nurse came with his medicines. Though he hated to have medicines, but that day was different. Lost in Darshika’s thoughts, he had all his medicines without saying a word to the nurse. He felt stupid for smiling continuously, but went to bed with happiest thoughts.
Darshika came back to the beach again. She sat in a cafe nearby, & looked at the sea. She felt more tired than before. Too much patience took a toll on her, and she broke down. The nurse came from behind & touched her shoulder. “Don’t lose hope, madam. Hell be better. Alzheimer’s may not be cured completely, but can be controlled with time. I have seen other patients getting better. Have faith, madam.”, she reassured Darshika.
Darshika didn’t say a word. She knew there is a lot she is yet to see. She tried to calm herself while the nurse gave her the bills of all the medicines purchased that day. She kept the copy and signed the bill as “Mrs. Darshika Amit Joshi.”
Darshika was again at Amit’s house the next day, at the same time in the evening. She rang the doorbell. Amit came to the gates.
“Yes? Who are you?”, he asked.
Let go of the past,
and the hurt it caused
not everything is lost.
The castle of your dream
free yourself now
from this guilt.
This distance maybe choking
but my feelings are still alive
this storm will pass over
I promise you the sunshine.
I can’t see you hurting,
I want you in love
we’ll drench, holding hands
let happiness rain from above.
Kaustuki felt strange as she entered the gates & advanced towards the main door. The creaking sound of hinges of the door pierced the silence that prevailed inside her house. There were so many people inside, both familiar and unfamiliar, but nobody made a sound. As she made her way through the crowd, no one noticed her.
She found Shivam lying on the bed, with his eyes closed. A part of her wanted to believe that he was playing a prank on her, involving everyone else in the room, but she knew better. She took hold of Shivam’s hand, in disbelief. As the coldness of his skin sent chills down her spine, she felt short of breath. She ran her fingers through his hair, something she always did to wake him up. She hoped for Shivam to hold that hand & pull her close, the way he always did. But it was too late for both of them.
“This can’t be. You can’t leave me this way. How and when did this happen?”, Kaustuki shrieked. “How will I live without you? Wake up. Please.”, she started crying. Nobody came close to comfort her. No one paid attention to her, the same way they did when she entered the room. Broken, she collapsed with tears on Shivam’s chest, wetting the white sheet that covered his body.
She looked around. Shivam’s parents were crying in the corner. She called them to help her wake Shivam up, but they didn’t listen. While her own parents were nowhere to be seen, & her in-laws being visibly ignorant, she pleaded others to help her. To her surprise, nobody paid heed to her. Scared, she turned to Shivam. “Wake up, please. Nobody is listening to me. I don’t know why. Maybe this has something to do with me. Have I done something wrong? Please, Shivam. Open your eyes & talk to me. Tell everyone to not be angry with me. I don’t know what I have done.”
Shivam didn’t move a bit. She felt a strange dryness on her lips & in her throat, but nothing made her leave Shivam’s side. Tired of her attempts to change the reality, she sat beside him, with her head against the wall. She felt a burning sensation on her neck, like that of an open wound. But her grief & despair made her ignore everything.
Kaustuki saw her parents enter through the door. As shock took hold of her, she felt her tears drying. However, they didn’t come to her & went to the other room. Kaustuki was surprised. Before she could question herself, she heard Shivam murmur her name. Her joy knew no bounds. “He’s alive. Look ma, he’s alive.”, she screamed in joy, looking at her mother-in-law.
“Kaustuki.”, Shivam whispered again, his eyes closed.
” I am here, Shivam. I knew this wasn’t true. But you scared me to death.”
“Kaustuki.”, Shivam said again, loud enough for everyone to hear in the room.
Shivam’s mother started to cry loudly. While some comforted her, some helped Shivam to stand up on his feet.
Kaustuki was confused at her mother I in-laws odd behaviour. “He’s alive, Ma. He was playing a prank on us. Why are you crying now?” But she paid no attention to Kaustuki’s words. She was annoyed by now. “Why is no one listening to me?”, she screamed. She turned to Shivam. “What is happening, Shivam? Isn’t the prank over yet? How did you faint? And why is Ma crying?”, she questioned, but Shivam was quiet.
Feeling stranger than before, Kaustuki stormed out of the room, to her parents. There were some other people in the room, staring blankly at something on the floor, & her parents were crying profusely.
“Shivam is alive, Mummy. Stop crying now. Why are you all…….”, she stopped in the middle.
The floor beneath her feet slipped. She couldn’t believe her eyes, as she looked towards the floor. “But how is this even possible?”, she thought to herself. Disbelief and fear bought tears to her eyes. She saw her own dead body lying on the floor.
“No. No. This can’t be. How?…”, she stopped again as she saw the ceiling fan in the room. There was a rope hanging to it. She saw her body again, this time, a bit more closely. There was a wound on her neck, like that of the strangle of a rope. She ran out of the room in fear, stopping in front of a mirror. There was the same mark on her neck. She remembered everything now. Guilt & remorse filled her up as she realised that she was just a wandering spirit now.
While Shivam & other family members took her dead body away for her last rites, the neighbours were heard talking about Kaustuki’s death by suicide.
“It must be somewhere here only. It has to be.”, said Soumil, to himself. Searching through a pile of pages, he was looking for some important documents that would be needed at work the next day. Manasvi gave him a tough look every time he asked her for help.
“When I tell you to keep your papers organised, you don’t listen. Now, suffer.”, she said, annoyed.
“I will keep them in order from the next time, but please help me today. It’s important.”, Soumil pleaded.
But Manasvi was in no mood to heed. “I am gonna sit here, laugh & watch you suffer. Neither you keep your things properly nor you let me organise them for you. You’ll have to learn. I am not going to help you.”
The sternness in her tone confirmed that she was determined to make Soumil learn his lesson. Soumil sighed. The pile wasn’t even letting him turn on the fan, that would’ve blown away all the papers. The yellowish tinge those papers had irritated him more. He was not very fond of things that showed signs of ageing. Maybe that’s why he never bothered to keep his things organised once they were no longer in use. Despite Manasvi’s insistance, he never discarded the old stuff, but never bothered to keep it properly either.. However, right now he wished if he had listened to his wife earlier.
He opened the cupboard again, thinking he might get lucky finding those papers lying just like that in some corner. Giving in to his stupid thoughts, he started searching the cupboard. His hands suddenly froze as he found his marriage album kept in the most ignored corner of the cupboard that was opened once in a decade. He didn’t remember the last time he laid his hands on it, but he hadn’t forgotten how it felt on touching.
“Should I make you some tea?”, Manasvi asked from the kitchen. The strong wave of memories took Soumil along with it. Forgetting all about the papers he was looking for, he starting turning the pages of the album. He was unable to recognise himself in the photographs. How much life has changed since the time those pictures were taken.
“Do let me know if you want something to eat. And please, finish off this mess soon. I need to tell you something.”, Manasvi said from the kitchen.
Soumil didn’t reply. He experienced a certain anguish in him, which he thought was dead till today. The pain it triggered left him teary eyed, but numbed him too much to close the album & put it away. He kept on turning the pages, reminiscing the past in fragments. He was happy in his present, but the edges of his broken dreams were still sharp enough to make him bleed.
Manasvi came into the room when Soumil didn’t answer her for long. She found him lost in thoughts. She guessed the reason & felt guilty for not helping him earlier. Had she helped him, he wouldn’t have found the album while looking for papers. Silently, she arranged all the papers in sequence, finding the ones Soumil was looking for, organising them properly in folders.
Soumil came out of his thoughts when he felt Manasvi’s hand on his shoulder. Hiding his tears, he closed the album & locked it in the drawer. “Sorry, I was just…”, he felt his voice breaking. “Here. Take this. I found the papers you were looking for.”, said Manasvi. Soumil didn’t look at the papers. He kept them at the table and went out of the room. Manasvi went to the kitchen & made some tea for both of them.
Sitting on the garden swing, Soumil was thinking of Payal, their marriage & how much he changed after her death. He wondered if he’d been alive if Manasvi wasn’t around. He missed Payal, or maybe he missed how he used to be when he was with her, but it didn’t make him love Manasvi any less. She was different from what he expected. Never did she feel jealous or irritated if Payal was mentioned. He wondered what she saw in him when he was all broken and already someone else’s, & how hard it must be for her to realise that she isn’t his first love. It was Manasvi’s love that helped him heal with time, & made him realise that it’s okay to grieve over what one has lost.
As Soumil opened his eyes, he saw Manasvi standing in front of him. “I made you some tea.”, she said, handing over the cup to him. “Are you okay? I am sorry for not helping you with the papers. I should have.”
“It’s fine really. No problem. You found it anyway. My job is done.”, Soumil replied jokingly, trying to ease the situation.
Manasvi was still serious though. “You’re okay, right?”, she asked again. Soumil pulled her close & kissed her forehead. “Yes. I am. Nothing can be wrong with you by my side.” Manasvi was in his arms, smiling.
“I have to tell you something.”, she said.
“Yeah. Go on.”
“I am pregnant. You’re gonna be a father soon.”
Soumil’s happiness knew no bounds. He smiled radiantly & kissed Manasvi repeatedly.
“I love you. And I want a girl.”, Soumil said excitedly.
“And we’ll name her Payal.”, she declared.
Naman woke up with a jerk. It was a nightmare that woke him in the middle of the night. As much as he hated to sleep because of the recurring nightmares, he equally hated waking up too, maybe, because life was no less than a nightmare to him now. His head was throbbing with pain. He went into the kitchen & reached for the refrigerator door. Gulping down half of the chilled water in the bottle, he dragged the chair nearby & held his head with both his hands. He was unable to recollect the instances of last night. Confused, he decided to pop a pill to ease his headache.
As he moved towards the living room, looking for the box of medicines, he stumbled upon the empty bottle of whisky. The fall helped him find the reason behind his headache. Medicine helped him ease it. It was hard for Naman to go back to sleep now. It was like a routine to him. Waking up abruptly, & sleeping at odd hours, killing himself every moment in the middle, realising how his own life has become his worst enemy.
Life was a struggle for Naman ever since Vartika left. The stability she brought to his life was gone with her. Naman left his job, and stayed at home after she left. He socialized less & remained to himself. Alcohol & cigarettes lessened his pain temporarily, but he was yet to find anything that would’ve helped him fill the void.
Absent-minded, Naman went to the last room of his house. It was locked ever since the tragedy, but on some days, it was Naman’s only refuge. Naman entered & switched on the lights. The walls were filled with their photographs. Vartika loved clicking their pictures, & framing it on the wall. Each photo had a memory to it. Each memory had her love in it. Naman lived a bit, watching every frame, and died more with each one.
Tears rolled down Naman’s eyes. He turned towards the desk in the room. A thick layer of dust covered the top of it. He opened the drawer, & took out a piece of paper. He sat on the floor, against one of the leg of the table, & started to read out the paper.
I know why I am writing this to you. Because you are the only person I’d wish to talk to in my last moments. By the time you’ll read this, I’ll be long gone. Please do not blame yourself for it. It was you and your love that gave me the strength to fight my mind all this while. It was your smile that made me live even when I died every moment battling inside. But love, I am now out of my strength. I can’t fight anymore. This battle seems forever & I know I won’t be able to stand for that long. Living like this is scary & I can’t collect myself anymore after breaking this much. You, of all people, know how much I have tried. But it’s like drowning. The more I try to come up to the surface, the more I sink. I can’t struggle anymore, love. You have loved me ever since we got married, and when this demon took hold of me, you kept on loving me. It’s your love that has strengthened me to write this note to you. But I am tired of standing on the edge. I can’t come back & it’s time to fall off. I don’t feel like the same person I was when we first met. Each time I look in the mirror, there is someone else who stares back at me. She looks like me but she isn’t me. I tried to find her, but she has left. This demon has eaten her away. If I stayed any longer, it will eat me too. I want an escape, but I don’t have the strength to fight. I want a way out from this fear, and I don’t have any other way than this.
Please forgive me. I wish you the happiness I can’t bring to you anymore. As I free myself from these shackles, your love brings me relief & smile. It was you and your love. It will always be.
Naman folded the letter carefully & locked it in the drawer. The letter numbed him every time he read it. It did the same to him this time too. He felt her pain in the distortion of her handwriting. He looked at Vartika’s photo that had a garland hung over it. Her agony must’ve crossed all the limits that made her hang herself. She was smiling in that photo frame, maybe that’s how she must be now, wherever she is. Switching off the lights, Naman came out of the room.
There was another bottle of whisky waiting for him at the dining table.